I would like to consider myself the expert on being pregnant at this point. I was supposed to have a baby on September 22nd, and it is now October 11th. I'm still pregnant. Turns out someone did the math wrong and I wasn't supposed to be due until the 27th, which means I am still two weeks past due, but I guess at least it's not three. So, I've been off work for three weeks, burned all my paid sick days already, cleaned the house seven times, read every article and played every game on the internet, and I'm still going crazy(er). I've put together a little guide for other moms like me.
Stop reading internet articles about being past due. They're crap. Believe me, cuz I've read them all in the past three weeks. I'll sum up all of the internet articles for you right now.
What the internet says: Natural ways to induce labor include eating spicy food, riding on a bumpy road, walks, sex, nipple stimulation, enemas, and castor oil. THEY DON'T WORK. The only thing that works is when your baby is ready to come out. Sucks for mom, but deal with it. Life is shitty sometimes. The internet also has lots of advice to offer to mom at this point: don't worry, docs don't let you go over 42 weeks; you've waited this long you can wait a few more days; most first time moms go past their due dates; enjoy a few more nights of sleep before the new baby comes... THESE ARE ALL LIES. Like you can 'enjoy' sleep at this point. So what will help you? Read on.
First things first: stop answering the phone and emails. Your friends and family will understand that you don't want to be reminded fifty times a day that you STILL don't have a baby. Hello! Like you would forget to call!
2) Try to forget that you look (and feel) like a whale. Meaning: get out of the house! There is nothing for you to do at home that is helpful. Don't think about the baby, don't put away his clothes, don't spend time looking at his things, don't read about what to do now. Don't think about baby crap. Take a walk, get your hair cut or nails done, paint a picture, go to the park, go out to eat. Get a foot massage. Play cards with friends (who you have threatened with a fork not to remind you about being pregnant). And no one cares if your belly hangs out of all your maternity shirts or if at this point you've just given up on things like shaving your legs. If they do care, they won't say anything in front of you cuz people are scared of angry pregnant ladies. You are in a very powerful position here.
3) For partner: distract her. She sucks at distracting herself. Talk about Halloween costumes, who will play Santa this year, your favorite book, the next election, or the new sandwich at the deli. Look up a new recipe and cook it together. Play board games with her. If she is alone, she will be wallowing in her own misery. Don't be surprised if she cries, even if she hasn't during the past ten(!) months. There's a lot of things going on, not just hormones. She's blaming herself for sucking at labor mostly, if she's anything like me, and is in what they call in birth class a "negative mental space." It's your job to help her out of it. And go to work to pay the bills. And rub her feet. And make her dinner. And do everything else she asks you with no questions asked.
4) What to expect with your body. No one tells you this stuff, so be prepared. It gets a little gross. You will be more uncomfortable at this point in your life than you have ever been before. Even things that sound really good like taking a hot bath or snuggling against soft pillows are actually not fun at all. If you do find a sitting or sleeping position that you're comfortable in, you'll stay in it until one of your limbs falls asleep. And then you'll probably just stay there because, even though you can't feel your right arm, that's better than moving and being even more uncomfortable. You will also walk around with a jellyfish in your panties for the majority of the day. This is because a few days ago when you had contractions that eventually stopped, your mucus plug came out. Which looks and feels just like it sounds: mucus. Like someone blew a huge wad of snot and put it up your cooter just for fun. But, it doesn't just come out once. Oh, no. If it's no longer attached, your body freaks out and makes more. It can't get it to stick, so it just makes more and more. It will come out of your vagina in a big goopy wad at least twice a day. And the colors! It's quite amazing, your body. Speaking of pelvis happenings, your child is now so low in your pelvis that you have a hard time walking, sitting, standing, and generally existing. But you especially have a hard time on the toilet. As soon as you sit to relieve yourself like you have the fullest bladder in history, you get a few drops out and kid's head shifts to cut off flow. So you shift around, lean to the left or right, and get it going again, and kid's head moves again. What a fun game! It's even better with pooping. You'll find the right position, and kid's head isn't in the way, and then you'll have a contraction. That means nothing is coming out of you for at least another two minutes, at which point you have to find just the right position all over again. On to your breasts. There are things coming out of them, too. Your milk probably hasn't come in yet, but you have colostrum. It really doesn't matter what it is, because the first time you look down during foreplay and realize your nipples are leaking yellow and clear fluids, it's pretty damn strange. And you sweat. A lot. I mean a freaking lot. Like, you soak the sheets at night and ask yourself if your water has broken, which of course it hasn't, because your water doesn't break on your pillow. You'll have all the fans on and your partner will be shivering. I hear this lasts for a few days after birth, too, so get used to this one.
5) This is the most important lesson. So many things at this point are out of your control. Your body does what it wants. Your baby does what it wants. Your due date does what it wants! You have no say in any of this, and that can be the worst feeling ever. Find something to be in control of. Make a piece of art, bake some cookies, fix the shower, anything. And if your partner or anyone else tries to do it for you, you have every right in the world to be a bitch. They'll just blame it on hormones anyway.
Everyone, Harper and I are doing very well. We have a sense of humor and love you all. Thank you for your kind thoughts and wishes and for being there for us. We love you and hope you'll be getting phone calls from us very soon.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Shuttin' er down.
We've been squeezing in the last of the beach, a bit of Spanish, some great conversations with friends, and a round of good Riojas before we call it done. We've been sweeping and wiping, putting and stacking, folding and cleaning, but we are finally just about packed and are both ready and dreading our return. It was put best over our feast-that-was-just-"some-beers" dinner when we were asked if we were ready to go back home. No, we're not, but we're ready to arrive back in the States. We've been telling everyone that we're going to try to make it back to Spain (and if I can do anything about it, Aguadulce/Almeria) within 5 years. We've got a little one on the way and I can't honestly say that we wouldn't be staying here if it weren't for our kid. But I can't truly say that we wouldn't be going home either.
We're packed and heading out in about 15 hours for our 3 day expedition that begins with a 7 hour bus ride to Madrid. We will then catch upwards of 4 flights before we make it to our grand 'States extravaganza.
I was looking out of Maria Carmen's, Suzy's English director who was driving us from our dinner back home, car and I noticed that even the ugly spots of Aguadulce sparkled. Maybe it's that I will dearly miss this place, or maybe it's all of the great friends and memories we've made here, but I think that it's because another chapter has been written that will forever seal me in another part of a country that I strangely feel I am a part of.
I am looking forward to seeing you all.
-Greg
We're packed and heading out in about 15 hours for our 3 day expedition that begins with a 7 hour bus ride to Madrid. We will then catch upwards of 4 flights before we make it to our grand 'States extravaganza.
I was looking out of Maria Carmen's, Suzy's English director who was driving us from our dinner back home, car and I noticed that even the ugly spots of Aguadulce sparkled. Maybe it's that I will dearly miss this place, or maybe it's all of the great friends and memories we've made here, but I think that it's because another chapter has been written that will forever seal me in another part of a country that I strangely feel I am a part of.
I am looking forward to seeing you all.
-Greg
Thursday, May 22, 2008
I'm disappointed in you, America
Suzy:
"The following information seems to be fair game for collection without a warrant: the e-mail addresses you send to and receive from, and the subject lines of those messages; the phone numbers you dial, the numbers that dial in to your line, and the durations of the calls; the Internet sites you visit and the keywords in your Web searches; the destinations of the airline tickets you buy; the amounts and locations of your ATM withdrawals; and the goods and services you purchase on credit cards."
For the whole article
More than just another conspiracy theory, this article is well supported by government documents from the Congress and the Senate dating back to the 1950s, as well as government memos and testimony from high ranking officials. It details how the federal government has had a "contingency plan" for times of national emergency since the cold war. This "plan" completely suspends the Constitution and places control of the federal government under FEMA, who so brilliantly handled our last emergency, and lines out which government officials will be placed in power with complete use of military forces.
Of course the federal government should be concerned with what would happen in case of emergency. But, the Constitution wasn't just written for the easy times or for for the times when it's convenient. It was written for the toughest times in our history to ensure that the United States would be a shining example of functioning democracy. With all the bullshit (sorry, parents) domestic spying programs and holding people without chance of trial and everything else that is happening (against our own US citizens!?!), Congress really needs to grow a backbone and limit the executive powers. They're the only ones who can, according to the Constitution.
Feds at border can search and seize your electronics for any reason they want
Another reason to encrypt your personal data
America, America. Is the shadow in the corner really that scary? That we would suspend democracy in favor of tyranny? “Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety,” -Ben Franklin. Congress, seriously. Grow a pair. Surveillance should not be allowed on American citizens without a warrant. American citizens should not be proclaimed "enemy combatants" by the executive branch and thus have all of their rights promised in the Bill of Rights suspended. The federal government should have no access to bank records, music or photo files, or any other personal information that you may store on your computer without a warrant. American citizens should not be afraid of their own government or of losing the rights guaranteed to them with no warning. How do you find out if you are on this suspect watch list or terror watch list? You don't. Until they arrest you and you have no rights left. Come on!
"The following information seems to be fair game for collection without a warrant: the e-mail addresses you send to and receive from, and the subject lines of those messages; the phone numbers you dial, the numbers that dial in to your line, and the durations of the calls; the Internet sites you visit and the keywords in your Web searches; the destinations of the airline tickets you buy; the amounts and locations of your ATM withdrawals; and the goods and services you purchase on credit cards."
For the whole article
More than just another conspiracy theory, this article is well supported by government documents from the Congress and the Senate dating back to the 1950s, as well as government memos and testimony from high ranking officials. It details how the federal government has had a "contingency plan" for times of national emergency since the cold war. This "plan" completely suspends the Constitution and places control of the federal government under FEMA, who so brilliantly handled our last emergency, and lines out which government officials will be placed in power with complete use of military forces.
Of course the federal government should be concerned with what would happen in case of emergency. But, the Constitution wasn't just written for the easy times or for for the times when it's convenient. It was written for the toughest times in our history to ensure that the United States would be a shining example of functioning democracy. With all the bullshit (sorry, parents) domestic spying programs and holding people without chance of trial and everything else that is happening (against our own US citizens!?!), Congress really needs to grow a backbone and limit the executive powers. They're the only ones who can, according to the Constitution.
Feds at border can search and seize your electronics for any reason they want
Another reason to encrypt your personal data
America, America. Is the shadow in the corner really that scary? That we would suspend democracy in favor of tyranny? “Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety,” -Ben Franklin. Congress, seriously. Grow a pair. Surveillance should not be allowed on American citizens without a warrant. American citizens should not be proclaimed "enemy combatants" by the executive branch and thus have all of their rights promised in the Bill of Rights suspended. The federal government should have no access to bank records, music or photo files, or any other personal information that you may store on your computer without a warrant. American citizens should not be afraid of their own government or of losing the rights guaranteed to them with no warning. How do you find out if you are on this suspect watch list or terror watch list? You don't. Until they arrest you and you have no rights left. Come on!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Winding down
Suzy:
A few new pics are up. Link on the left. We're leaving Almeria two weeks from today! It's one of those things that sneaks up and punches you in the throat. I mean, we knew it was coming, it just seems now that the year really sped by.
We're excited to see everyone and chow down. I recently spent a few of my private English classes making brownies with my students. They turned out well; the kids liked them and we had a lot of fun, but nothing's quite like home.
I'd like to take the opportunity to warn everyone that we're not planning on bringing home any souvenirs except a few very small items for our nieces and nephews. So, please don't feel left out. We decided that the rule (that you have to bring souvenirs home for everyone you know when you visit a foreign country) is voided if you live there longer than four months.
Enjoy your last two weekends without Greg and Suzy, cuz we're invading you soon!
Oh! I just realized that it's been a long time since I've posted any insights into the Spanish culture. Well, I learned a new gesture today. When you put your hands in front of you about chest height, palms facing you, and touch all four fingers individually but quickly with your thumb, it means "a lot." A lot of people, a lot of work, a lot of clothes or shoes. We use this gesture in the states to mean "expensive." Knowledge is power!
A few new pics are up. Link on the left. We're leaving Almeria two weeks from today! It's one of those things that sneaks up and punches you in the throat. I mean, we knew it was coming, it just seems now that the year really sped by.
We're excited to see everyone and chow down. I recently spent a few of my private English classes making brownies with my students. They turned out well; the kids liked them and we had a lot of fun, but nothing's quite like home.
I'd like to take the opportunity to warn everyone that we're not planning on bringing home any souvenirs except a few very small items for our nieces and nephews. So, please don't feel left out. We decided that the rule (that you have to bring souvenirs home for everyone you know when you visit a foreign country) is voided if you live there longer than four months.
Enjoy your last two weekends without Greg and Suzy, cuz we're invading you soon!
Oh! I just realized that it's been a long time since I've posted any insights into the Spanish culture. Well, I learned a new gesture today. When you put your hands in front of you about chest height, palms facing you, and touch all four fingers individually but quickly with your thumb, it means "a lot." A lot of people, a lot of work, a lot of clothes or shoes. We use this gesture in the states to mean "expensive." Knowledge is power!
Friday, May 9, 2008
It's a boy!
Suzy:
Chalk one up to women's intuition. It's time for a celebratory snack.
(Greg wants to be sure that everyone knows he thinks women's intuition is a sack of crap. Either way, we're having a son.)
Chalk one up to women's intuition. It's time for a celebratory snack.
(Greg wants to be sure that everyone knows he thinks women's intuition is a sack of crap. Either way, we're having a son.)
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
BIG NEWS!
Suzy:
So in the top picture you can see the baby's head and jaw outline. In the bottom one you can see the ribs and spine to the right and the head to the left and a tiny hand up top and to the left in front of the face. That's the good news: we got pictures.
Now we all know that with good news comes bad news. We don't know the sex of the baby yet. Baby wasn't laying the right way and the doctor couldn't get a good shot, so we're going back on Friday for an hour long scan from an ultrasound technician. Which is a routine scan, don't worry. Something about doing a bunch of measurements and getting the whole shebang. So, look forward to another post by the time you wake up Friday morning.
(Note: I swear I saw a penis. Greg thinks I'm full of it. We'll see on Friday.) Kisses.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Happy Mother's Day!
Hey all! Just wanted to give a good ol' shout out to all of the mothers in cyber land that is the States. Specifically, my mother and mother-in-law! Because you are all behind the times here, I will explain. Mother's day is May 4th; not May 11th. You guys are so behind the times. I mean, seriously, mullets are back in style here and you all are still making fun of them. Plus, we tuck our jeans into our socks. We're so cool. sidenote: Suzy insisted that I mention that not everyone does this... just a few, really.
We've been slacking on the posting business for a couple of reasons: one, we don't really have anything new to say, and, two, we just got kinda tired of posting. We've been doing the same old, same old: Cabo de Gata, teach, beach-soak, sleep, yell at kids in Spanish, walk, and eat awesome food. It's living la vida loca as my homeboy Ricky Martin would say! Quick shout out to Ricky Martin as he would never forgive me if I didn't... "holla, Ricky!"
Technically, Rob and Stefanie just left this morning for Seville to hook up with Kade and Caitlin for a bit. I barely remember it as it was somewhere around 7:30 and 8 when I stumbled into the living room to wish them a happy traveling and goodbye with hand signals. 7:30 in the morning... I forgot that that existed.
Also, we've been day-dreaming about May 31st and the shin-dig that will be the bee's knees for the neighborhood. Well, we don't really have a neighborhood but I'm sure the cows will be rockin' it. We have a quick request of everyone: we were thinking that cooking for a metric crap ton of people would be pretty demanding for the 'rents and are asking everyone to bring just a tiny bit of food for a side dish (I'm thinking enough to share; ie, bag of chips, plate of cookies, etc.). We'd greatly appreciate it. Please keep passing the word on this; we need to know how many people are coming for food purposes.
Lastly, as Ashlee pointed out yesterday, you all can expect a large bit of news being posted around 1 o'clock your time on Tuesday. We will finally find out the sex of our kid and are both completely psyched! Until then, goodnight and good luck.
Greg
We've been slacking on the posting business for a couple of reasons: one, we don't really have anything new to say, and, two, we just got kinda tired of posting. We've been doing the same old, same old: Cabo de Gata, teach, beach-soak, sleep, yell at kids in Spanish, walk, and eat awesome food. It's living la vida loca as my homeboy Ricky Martin would say! Quick shout out to Ricky Martin as he would never forgive me if I didn't... "holla, Ricky!"
Technically, Rob and Stefanie just left this morning for Seville to hook up with Kade and Caitlin for a bit. I barely remember it as it was somewhere around 7:30 and 8 when I stumbled into the living room to wish them a happy traveling and goodbye with hand signals. 7:30 in the morning... I forgot that that existed.
Also, we've been day-dreaming about May 31st and the shin-dig that will be the bee's knees for the neighborhood. Well, we don't really have a neighborhood but I'm sure the cows will be rockin' it. We have a quick request of everyone: we were thinking that cooking for a metric crap ton of people would be pretty demanding for the 'rents and are asking everyone to bring just a tiny bit of food for a side dish (I'm thinking enough to share; ie, bag of chips, plate of cookies, etc.). We'd greatly appreciate it. Please keep passing the word on this; we need to know how many people are coming for food purposes.
Lastly, as Ashlee pointed out yesterday, you all can expect a large bit of news being posted around 1 o'clock your time on Tuesday. We will finally find out the sex of our kid and are both completely psyched! Until then, goodnight and good luck.
Greg
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