42 Weeks Pregnant: a Guide for Pregnant Ladies and their Partners

I would like to consider myself the expert on being pregnant at this point. I was supposed to have a baby on September 22nd, and it is now October 11th. I'm still pregnant. Turns out someone did the math wrong and I wasn't supposed to be due until the 27th, which means I am still two weeks past due, but I guess at least it's not three. So, I've been off work for three weeks, burned all my paid sick days already, cleaned the house seven times, read every article and played every game on the internet, and I'm still going crazy(er). I've put together a little guide for other moms like me.

Stop reading internet articles about being past due. They're crap. Believe me, cuz I've read them all in the past three weeks. I'll sum up all of the internet articles for you right now.

What the internet says: Natural ways to induce labor include eating spicy food, riding on a bumpy road, walks, sex, nipple stimulation, enemas, and castor oil. THEY DON'T WORK. The only thing that works is when your baby is ready to come out. Sucks for mom, but deal with it. Life is shitty sometimes. The internet also has lots of advice to offer to mom at this point: don't worry, docs don't let you go over 42 weeks; you've waited this long you can wait a few more days; most first time moms go past their due dates; enjoy a few more nights of sleep before the new baby comes... THESE ARE ALL LIES. Like you can 'enjoy' sleep at this point. So what will help you? Read on.

First things first: stop answering the phone and emails. Your friends and family will understand that you don't want to be reminded fifty times a day that you STILL don't have a baby. Hello! Like you would forget to call!

2) Try to forget that you look (and feel) like a whale. Meaning: get out of the house! There is nothing for you to do at home that is helpful. Don't think about the baby, don't put away his clothes, don't spend time looking at his things, don't read about what to do now. Don't think about baby crap. Take a walk, get your hair cut or nails done, paint a picture, go to the park, go out to eat. Get a foot massage. Play cards with friends (who you have threatened with a fork not to remind you about being pregnant). And no one cares if your belly hangs out of all your maternity shirts or if at this point you've just given up on things like shaving your legs. If they do care, they won't say anything in front of you cuz people are scared of angry pregnant ladies. You are in a very powerful position here.


3) For partner: distract her. She sucks at distracting herself. Talk about Halloween costumes, who will play Santa this year, your favorite book, the next election, or the new sandwich at the deli. Look up a new recipe and cook it together. Play board games with her. If she is alone, she will be wallowing in her own misery. Don't be surprised if she cries, even if she hasn't during the past ten(!) months. There's a lot of things going on, not just hormones. She's blaming herself for sucking at labor mostly, if she's anything like me, and is in what they call in birth class a "negative mental space." It's your job to help her out of it. And go to work to pay the bills. And rub her feet. And make her dinner. And do everything else she asks you with no questions asked.

4) What to expect with your body. No one tells you this stuff, so be prepared. It gets a little gross. You will be more uncomfortable at this point in your life than you have ever been before. Even things that sound really good like taking a hot bath or snuggling against soft pillows are actually not fun at all. If you do find a sitting or sleeping position that you're comfortable in, you'll stay in it until one of your limbs falls asleep. And then you'll probably just stay there because, even though you can't feel your right arm, that's better than moving and being even more uncomfortable. You will also walk around with a jellyfish in your panties for the majority of the day. This is because a few days ago when you had contractions that eventually stopped, your mucus plug came out. Which looks and feels just like it sounds: mucus. Like someone blew a huge wad of snot and put it up your cooter just for fun. But, it doesn't just come out once. Oh, no. If it's no longer attached, your body freaks out and makes more. It can't get it to stick, so it just makes more and more. It will come out of your vagina in a big goopy wad at least twice a day. And the colors! It's quite amazing, your body. Speaking of pelvis happenings, your child is now so low in your pelvis that you have a hard time walking, sitting, standing, and generally existing. But you especially have a hard time on the toilet. As soon as you sit to relieve yourself like you have the fullest bladder in history, you get a few drops out and kid's head shifts to cut off flow. So you shift around, lean to the left or right, and get it going again, and kid's head moves again. What a fun game! It's even better with pooping. You'll find the right position, and kid's head isn't in the way, and then you'll have a contraction. That means nothing is coming out of you for at least another two minutes, at which point you have to find just the right position all over again. On to your breasts. There are things coming out of them, too. Your milk probably hasn't come in yet, but you have colostrum. It really doesn't matter what it is, because the first time you look down during foreplay and realize your nipples are leaking yellow and clear fluids, it's pretty damn strange. And you sweat. A lot. I mean a freaking lot. Like, you soak the sheets at night and ask yourself if your water has broken, which of course it hasn't, because your water doesn't break on your pillow. You'll have all the fans on and your partner will be shivering. I hear this lasts for a few days after birth, too, so get used to this one.

5) This is the most important lesson. So many things at this point are out of your control. Your body does what it wants. Your baby does what it wants. Your due date does what it wants! You have no say in any of this, and that can be the worst feeling ever. Find something to be in control of. Make a piece of art, bake some cookies, fix the shower, anything. And if your partner or anyone else tries to do it for you, you have every right in the world to be a bitch. They'll just blame it on hormones anyway.

Everyone, Harper and I are doing very well. We have a sense of humor and love you all. Thank you for your kind thoughts and wishes and for being there for us. We love you and hope you'll be getting phone calls from us very soon.